Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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