guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
