pop tarts are not kleenex
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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