her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
