I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
