Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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