we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
