doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
