lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
