i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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