Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
