I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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