Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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