That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
