Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
