he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
