I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
