I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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