I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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