True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
