dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
