dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
nutella sex= disaster
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
