I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
