He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize