so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
