kristin has been a bad kristin
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
