Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
