this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
