so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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