someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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