If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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