I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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