um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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