remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
