Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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