I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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