I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
