I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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