Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
