ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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