Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
cat food counts as protein by the way
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
