I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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