Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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