That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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