I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
