She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
