totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize