I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
