so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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