i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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