Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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