Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
