omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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