So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
