I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
