Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
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