I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
