she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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