i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
