be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
