Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
