i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
