you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
